Brushstrokes

As I was painting a mural I'm working on today I was reflecting on an artist's brushstrokes. I've often heard that brushstrokes are like finger prints. They are unique and reveal something about the one that left them behind. There is always something of the process left in the creation, adding to its beauty and novelty. What a shame it would be if paintings left no trace of the artist that created them. Consider the difference between a painting by Cezanne and Velazquez or Van Gogh and Delacroix. The brush strokes of a Van Gogh painting are often the first thing one notices. They are obvious and bold, however looking for the strokes in other paintings takes more time and a skilled eye. They are always present though, even in a Pollock; the way his hand flung paint at the canvas communicates something of him. The process of creating art is as important as the finished product.

How this reminds me of the art of our Lord! What are the brushstrokes in your life? In what manner has he painted you who you are? Christ learned obedience through suffering (Hebrews 5:8) I know I would not be who I am today without the scars from my past. But they are brush strokes, not blemishes. I would not know the redemption I now know without being as broken as I was. They are not something to hide, to be ashamed of. I've worried so long of how people will view me after they've heard my story. I wanted them to see me as I am now and not know what I was. But how much that diminishes the artist's handiwork! I should boast of my past so all can see the beauty God created from ashes. I see myself as a piece of work from someone like Robert Rauschenberg, like one of his combines. He created art from found objects and trash. What men meant for evil, God uses for good. That's his fingerprint, his brushstroke. He creates beauty from pain, from weakness, from evil.

The Art of Sanctification

“In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it.” Michelangelo

Today as I was talking with a dear friend, it struck me how much this is like our process of sanctification. When God sees us, he sees Christ, not the block of marble that we are. He loves us too much to let us stay as such. And so the master sculptor chips away at the parts of us that are unlike Christ. The removal is often painful. And even though I feel as if I started as the biggest block of marble, so much to remove, I've grown less and less attached to the rubble on the ground. I am excited for the master to carve, instead of wincing at his approaching chisel. In the beginning the sculptor uses a pitcher, a hefty chisel designed to quickly remove much material. But at times he must come in with fine tools to perfect a detail. I grow weary of my block and long to see a recognizable figure in the mirror. But I trust my sculptor, for he is master of all sculptors. I have confidence that he sees Christ instead of me, and that every blow, every chip, is used to bring me to that point. He will complete the work he has started in me; I press on for the day the rest of the world will see more of him and less of me, until then he sees Christ instead of me! How much grace that allows me to give others, for I am in such debt to grace myself.

Of course the analogy is not perfect, becoming Christ-like is not only a subtractive process but also an additive one. To leave the illustration at that would suggest that I am good at my core, which is clearly not the case. But it is only Christ in me, that new creation, that is now at my core that is the only good in me.

The Journey Begins!

A few months ago my pastor spoke about being a traveler, not an arriver. A traveler revels in the changes, loves the adventure of the unplanned and the unknown. An arriver has only the destination in mind and is thrown when things change and shift. Easy enough for me, right? I have a wanderlust, I love adventure. I want to travel and have unplanned and unexpected things happen. Part of this desire is what God used to call me to missions. And this certainly helped me approach all of my plans with an open hand to the Lord. I was beyond excited when during orientation with GEM it became clear to me He was calling me to Scotland, not Paris. (more on that in a bit) So I can be a traveler through a journey, on a trip, but can I be one in life? For example, can I be content when things don't change as quickly as I would like them to? Do I seize every opportunity and love every minute until God provides for me to be overseas? Honestly, no, not always. I am fighting the urge to see this time as a waiting period. I struggle with not wanting to build new friendships because I'll be leaving soon. I haven't been promised an arrival in Scotland, a spouse, children, or anything else we might wait for. I do have many promises though, that He will complete the work He has started in me,  that He has plans for me, He will work everything together for my good (to make me more Christ-like, this ain't no prosperity gospel!) that I am His child, my identity, my joy, and my completion are in Him. I require nothing else. My theme song for this season is "Be Thou My Vision." That is my prayer that I would stand firm and be blinded to the rest of the world by the great glory of the Lord.

I know a lot of you haven't heard about the shift in plans yet, so here's the news! I had confirmation to continue on the path I was on when I went to Lille this summer, you all know that. But I always had it on my heart to approach it all with an open hand. To be receptive to Him changing things and for me to cling to Him, not my plans. During orientation a few weeks ago I started feeling the old familiar longing for Ireland or Scotland. I've always been in love with that area and culture. But I genuinely have a love for France as well. It started more in late high school though as I started diving into art history. I also think the language is beautiful and took it in college. I wasn't hesitant at all about it at all. But my love for Ireland and Scotland runs deeper, to a more personal and private part of my heart. It's hard to explain. It just fits my soul. I didn't entertain thoughts of switching my destination however. I've been confident this whole time that the Lord would lead me and I didn't see it anywhere. No one had suggested Scotland. Until the Tuesday during orientation. Someone on staff sat next to me during lunch. We chatted about my heart for the arts in ministry and he had recently spoken with the team leader in Edinburgh ( I use the term "team" loosely, since it's a brand new field for GEM and his family are the only ones there) and saw his heart for the arts. Immediately I was overjoyed. After much prayer though I have decided this is definitely God's plan, that I pursue this. As I mentioned before though, I don't know the end result and I need to be a traveler with my life. Seizing every opportunity and enjoying every minute of the journey!

Exile

We all have our times of feeling in exile. This morning I was reading in Jeremiah 29 as he writes a letter to those in exile in Babylon these words from the Lord. He tells them to build houses, to marry, to make a home there. He warns them not to listen to diviners and false prophets giving them lies and false hope. Because they are not to put their hope in returning to Jerusalem, but rather in the Lord. 29:11-14 "'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.'" I've been learning this last month to put my hope in the Lord, not in my plans for Paris, or in the timing of them. I know that the Lord has plans for me, he will bring me fully out of my "exile." But he is doing amazing things while I've been in this stage. He's restoring me, as he restored Judah during and after their exile. He is teaching me and growing me. He has surrounded me by the most amazing support system and group of friends. He has plans and purpose in all of it. I want to find him, and to do so I must seek him with my whole heart. Yes, my plans for Paris are good, and they are to glorify God, but they are not what I have to look forward to. I am looking forward to and pressing on to the goal, I am seeking the Lord and doing whatever work he has for me. If he has me here another year, or 10, or only a few more months, there is everyday opportunities to further his kingdom and to do his will. There is perfection in his timing. He will bring us out of captivity, but in his perfect timing and his perfect way!

More Stories From Lille

Prayer was one of the biggest lessons I learned in Lille. I learned to wait on the Lord, to pray constantly, and how God uses it. I heard a story (a true story I was told by one of the coolest ladies I've ever met while I was discouraged) while I was there about a missionary in Africa that went a very long time without seeing results, no one coming to faith in Christ. Frustrated and exhausted, he started making his way across Africa to return home. Along the way the Lord prompted him to preach the Gospel to a village he was passing by. Reluctantly he went, with the intention to preach and leave, not to stick around. The village ran him out and completely violently rejected the Gospel. As he passed another village he felt the same call from the Lord. Even more reluctantly, I'm sure, he went into this village and preaching the Gospel. The response was overwhelming! So many came to Christ in that moment! God had clearly prepared this village. He passed many other villages along his way and they each had one of the two responses. Baffled and yet encouraged, the missionary returned home. He shared this strange story with many people and eventually one of his listeners was reminded of a missionary known as "Praying Hyde" who was mostly known for his work in India. But he had traveled in the same area and through mapping out both travels they realized that "Praying Hyde" had been to and prayed over all the villages that received Christ 100 years earlier! God uses our prayers. And any fruit we see is just a small part we play in His grand scheme. We all have a different part to play, none of them more glorious or important.
I also learned a lot about planting seeds. We are called to sow seeds broadly. We don't try to find "good soil" and then plant there (as we so often approach it here in America) but we find "good soil" by planting the seeds everywhere and seeing where it grows. God is the one that prepares the soil, and He's the one that causes the growth. I can't dress the Gospel up nice enough, I can't argue someone into the kingdom. There is so much freedom in that though! I also can't mess it up! I am to seek after God and to share His love and Gospel with the world. He will take care of the work He has for me. As long as my heart is to glorify Him and surrender my will to His, I'm good to go!
I'm learning how to be bold. I am learning to practice these things I learned in Lille everyday. This is great training ground for my future in France!

There and Back Again

I know I promised many of you updates while we were in France, and so this is a very long overdue update! But here it is, my only excuse is that we did not have internet access while in Lille and once we returned I was pretty sick and started back at work immediately. Nevertheless, here is part one!
I kept debating whether to tell our stories chronologically or by theme, I decided on the latter. One of my biggest prayer requests for this trip was confirmation for the future. I was so sure that God had orchestrated everything that led to me considering France for long-term missions even before I left. However, before I left I felt I needed to go and get my feet a little wet before committing to moving there, especially since God had provided such an opportunity. Something I've learned is that when God gives us things like: peace, confirmation, blessings, etc., it is not only often independent of our circumstances but it is also often diametrically opposed to them. From the first night we arrived in France I had such a feeling of peace that this was in my future to pursue, and even when we were discouraged or things were hard, I never lost that feeling. And in fact, out of those feelings, I eventually received more confirmation and peace. So to answer the question so many have asked upon my return, yes I am now pursuing moving to Paris with everything I have. I still will approach everything in life with an open hand towards God, because His ways are not my ways, and His will be done, not mine. This is all about Him, for Him, so if He provides the way I will go. But I do know clearly that pursuing this opportunity is exactly what He wants of me. I've also learned that our plans and expectations change along the way as God changes our hearts to align with His. This is not to say I'm wishy-washy about my commitment to going or unsure of what He so clearly spoke to me in Paris, I know I am going to Paris, I know there is work He has for me there, it is just to let go of my plans and let God take control. I was so broken of my ideas for missions and the work I was going to do for God on this trip. I never what to get so dead set on my ideas that I don't allow God to shape the road as I walk along it. I don't want to allow bad circumstances to say anything to me about God's character, His goodness and faithfulness are not dependent on things going my way. He does not possess these qualities, He IS them. I have so clearly seen Him laying out these plans for me to go to Paris, plans that started out in my mind very differently. But He used my stumbling ways to direct my paths as I pursued Him and I am now on an adventure so far beyond one I could have imagined even if I had dared to.  This is just a small glimpse of the amazing things God did on this trip! More stories coming soon, I promise. Until then, remember dear brothers and sisters, that whether you eat or drink, do it all for the glory of God, live in a manner worthy of the gospel, and never let anything become dearer to you than our Lord.

One Week to Go!

Last night was one of the best AfterROCs in a long time, if not ever. (AfterROC is the time after our Bible study the ROC in which we'll have worship, prayer, a testimony, or something else. It changes unlike the study and is a smaller group so we get a little more intimate.) We took communion last night and had an amazing worship session. In preparation for this night of communion, a good friend asked me to pray for him to be brought back to and broken over the cross, and as I did that this week I felt myself having the same heart. I was reminded of how central it is to everything. Many years ago I think I viewed the gospel as basic and in my pride of intellect I wanted to move on from it and dive deeper. But what I've come to realize is how much depth there is to the cross, it's not basic, it's not only foundational, but it is everything. You see the gospel all throughout scripture. It can all be brought back to the cross. John Piper once said, "The wisdom of God devised a way for the love of God to deliver sinners from the wrath of God while not compromising the righteousness of God."All of those characteristics of God, fully there, perfectly working together although they would seem to us to contradict, are found at the cross. I never want to "move on" from the cross. I never want to stop remembering it. There is no greater blessing or joy. I love that God had been teaching me this right before we took communion together for the first time at the ROC. It was probably the most amazing worship/prayer/communion time I've ever experienced. As I discussed my excitement for the cross with another bestie last night, he suggested a book, The Cross of Christ, and is going to let me borrow it. He's pretty legit and I know this is going to be a great read! Can't wait!! What an amazing thing for God to get me passionate about right before He sends me out to share the gospel!
Last night it really hit me that I'm coming up on the one year mark of the most amazing time in my life, so far. God has stretched me, grown me, broken me, taught me, and blessed me more than any other time in my life. I know it's only the beginning! Last year my birthday (July 15th) was the start of one of the most important friendships of my life. This friendship has not only been amazing in and of itself, but this friend also brought me into so much ministry and introduced me to so many of the best friends I've ever had. Last year's birthday was the mark of a complete change in my whole world. I never thought it could be topped. Until now. This birthday will be my last full day in Lille, France. My heart's desire is to see someone come to Christ. This is my prayer. I think this birthday will mark a new chapter in my life. Last year was my time to grow immensely, to be trained up, to be blessed beyond belief, and to be used to minister to and disciple other believers. I think this next year is the start of using me in bringing the gospel and all God's healing power to a dark, lost, and broken world. After all, what other response to I have after so much healing and redemption? :)

All for God's Glory!

Today I read and meditated on 1 Corinthians 8-10. In chapter 9 Paul says, "To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in it's blessings." In chapter 10 he goes on to say, "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but not everything is constructive." and (talking about eating food offered to idols and the effects it has on those around you) "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." We are all called to do all for the sake of the Gospel and to the glory of God. Imagine our witness if we gave up our rights and had this attitude! Now as I prepare to witness to Muslims an important piece is knowing enough about their culture to know how I can best do that. If there is anything I can do or give up to help the Gospel I want to do so gladly. I know Elise and I will be dressing modestly and wearing long pants even though it's July. I'm going to continue to research to see what else I can do so that I can best serve that community. Please pray that the Gospel would always be on the forefront of our minds so that we are doing all for it's sake.
Another way you can pray for us is for the preparation of our testimonies. I have mine prepared but I want to make sure it's God's words, not mine; that it gives Him the glory and in no way myself. I also want to be sensitive to the Spirit and be flexible enough to share different details with different women as the Spirit leads to be most effective. Pray for boldness and as I continue to want to make the most of every moment here in preparation. And praise God! He's at work and it's so exciting!!

Praise God!

God is so amazing! He never ceases to blow my mind! All of my funding is in! Elise and I are going to France!! My favorite part about how He brought in my funding was that it was so clearly Him and not me! It's just further confirmation that He has work and purpose for me in Lille this summer. It's hard to remember with such a busy schedule to be making the most of every moment in preparation for this trip, but that's exactly what I need to do. From the very beginning God orchestrated this entire thing just as He has with my life. It was originally going to be a larger group going. It was originally a trip to Sweden. And at the start of planning this trip, I wasn't listening to the Lord's call on my life for missions. But God moved and placed Elise and I where we are so clearly supposed to go. I've learned that He does that. As I first felt the pull to missions I had no idea where I would end up. I just started looking into things and pursuing options. I tried to approach it with an open-hand and God moved; He shut doors and opened ones I had never even imagined. I remember one day of prayer as I hiked through Garden of the Gods, I told the Lord the only way I knew to be obedient was to pursue the options I saw. I asked Him to guide me and take care of the rest. He has been so faithful in that! He closed some opportunities and the path I'm on is very different from the one I started on. If He had not had purpose for me in Lille and shut this door, I would've been so excited to see that faithfulness as well. Shutting doors is every bit Him working as opening others.
Thank you all for your extremely generous support and abundant prayers! Please pray for Elise and I, that we would stand firm, not be distracted, and be diligent in preparing to go, as well as for the people in Lille, that God would be preparing hearts. And praise the Lord! He is so sovereign and good! What an amazing God we serve!!

T Minus 3 weeks!

Three weeks until France! When did that happen?! With all the uncertainty with the fund raising, time somehow slipped away from me! God has been so good, and as always His timing is perfect. Two weeks ago I had $250 raised and was completely unsure if I was going. I hate to admit it, but my inital reaction to the news of my account was not awesome. God taught me two things through that initial freak out of mine. The first was that I needed to completely trust Him. If this was where He was calling me to go, He was going to provide. I needed to know He was the one providing. Second was that if I didn't get to go, then that was His plan, not a lack of ability to get me there. His character does not change. It is not dependent on my circumstances. God is not good because things go my way, He's good because He is. He is also completely sovereign. Nothing is outside of His control. These two facts help me to rest in Him. I got to the place where I knew whatever happens is best. He's working all things together to my good; His plan is shaping me into the woman He wants me to be. If He chose to have me glorify Him by attesting that He is good and sovereign while not getting to go to France, then bring it on!
But since Friday I have been certain this is not the path He has me on. Friday I received immense peace and confirmation that He has so much purpose for me in Lille this summer. He has work for me to do, this isn't about me. That is my first prayer request today; let me never forget that. This trip is about bringing God glory. I long to see the nations praising His name. His heart is breaking for Muslim women who are abused, neglected, and oppressed. He is breaking my heart for them as well. I feel their pain. I also know the world's lies to healing and the emptiness they bring. Even if they break free of Islam, without Christ, they are still in bondage.
I am now able to purchase my plane ticket, however I still need to bring in around $1,100, and SOON! God has done so much in the last few days! I am so excited to see how it's come in and the timing showing that He moved hearts to donate. I am so humbled and blessed by all of your prayers and generous gifts! I know I have such a loving family (in Christ!) uplifting, encouraging, and supporting me. Please continue to pray for funds and trust! Love you all!!

Pilot

Here begins the chronicles of my greatest adventure; the rest of my life. As I gain clarity and discern what each next step is I hope that you will come along side me in prayer. God has a definite purpose and plan for me and as I stumble along the road less traveled, I have the comforting thought that I know my end goal: to glorify God. As I fix my eyes on that, I know He'll direct the means. I long to be a woman of reckless abandon for Christ, a woman who gives Him her greatest treasure, her whole heart. As we discussed theology, a friend gave me the best advice, when it came down to it, the goal is to love God most. So simple. That's what I need to focus on. "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." -John Piper. If my goal is to glorify Him, the first step is to find all of my satisfaction in Him, to love Him above all else. This is my prayer as of late.
As I prepare to depart on my mission/vision trip to France I realized how crucial every day is. I need to be using my time wisely to prepare. I want to go steeped in prayer and with a heart that is after the Lord's. So before I even leave I will be sharing my struggles, my pains, my prayer needs, as well as the victories. I will also be writing in France so you can pray for Elise and me very specifically.
Some of you have walked this last year in step with me and know all about this trip and the possibilities for my future, but some haven't so here's a little back story. Two years ago I was a completely broken person. God had become secondary, if that, in my life. Being a Christian was like a shiny necklace I wore. I had made poor decisions that had resulted in marrying a man that not only couldn't care less about honoring God, but had emotionally abused me for years. Two years ago when the physical violence started, I left. I share this so you can understand the immense healing power of God, so that He can be glorified. I share this so that you can know that in and of myself I become sad and self centered. I share this so that you understand my heart for women who are oppressed and abused, for the brokenhearted, the captives. God redeems us. He changes us, not so that we are a better version of ourselves, but a new creation. He gives purpose to our pain and that is so healing. For a year after I left I struggled with thoughts of worthlessness. I still felt the pain of being starved for weeks at a time. I still could hear the lies he would tell me. The only way to heal was to fill my mind with truth. God had a plan! He laid it on my heart to memorize a lot of scripture. I began and filled my mind with it. I did away with idle time in my head. Light dispels darkness. Through His word He is healing me. He now has work for me to do. I am an earthen vessel. I am cracked, and plain, and not glorious, but that is how it is so apparent that it is God's power, not my own. His grace is sufficient. His power is made perfect in my weakness. I now know that He designed this vessel for a life of missions. I want to share how great He is! I want people to know how He can heal! I no longer wish I could take back my past, He has redeemed me, I now look for how it can uniquely glorify Him!
Now the question is where is He sending me? Is it to France? I know it is for two weeks this July. I am going with one of my best friends, Elise with Greater Europe Mission (GEM). We will be ministering to Muslims in the city of Lille. My heart aches for the women. I am excited beyond belief to see what God does and how He moves! I am also pursuing the option to move to Paris with GEM for 1-3 years with an artist ministry. I am praying to get confirmation for that on this trip! And after that 1-3 years who knows? Perhaps I will be a missionary in France forever. Or perhaps God will call me to the Middle East, or to somewhere I haven't even thought of yet. I would love your prayers for Elise and me as we prepare and as we are over there! God is moving in Lille and I can't wait to continue to see and share what He's doing!!